OCD or OrGaNisation

 I shut the doors of my, shall I say well organised wardrobe, and having the satisfying feeling from the completed action of folding the laundry and putting it into place immediately after I took it off of the drying rack(yet another simple satisfaction I got from there, as I used to leave a rather long gap between the two, when the chair, and the bed, and sometimes even the floor, would become a wardrobe), and I thought "Nah! I would rather call it organised than OCD!".

But to end up in this satisfying mood, I went into a short and unpleasant conversation with the Judge in my head. Like all the judges, he speaks the voice of the people! But before that I need to provide a context of the OCD vs OGN idea in my wardrobe. I have two fabric IKEA chest of drawers for my sports clothing. The upper body clothing in the upper drawer, long sleeves to the left and short sleeves to the right. The bottom drawer is for lower body clothing, leggings to the left, shorts to the right. It's easy to follow and easy to use. The other chest is mixed. Still following a logic, but not important for this story.

Here it goes, the conversation with my actions in brackets.

Rosco(R): It feels satisfying to have my clothes organised(I am folding my shorts, long sleeves, leggings, etc)

Judge(J): Right? And sometimes I would find leggings and T-shirts on the wrong side. Is that how your system works?(I am putting the clothes into the drawers)

(R): I am sharing what my system is, not how precisely I follow it. At least I have it and it feels good. I can navigate through my room with eyes closed. That is how good my system is!

 Since I started practicing for my cave diving course, back in 2021, I started finding my way through the spaces I live in with lights shut. Trying to use my other senses to navigate. And I was surprised how this skill is helping me in my daily routine. I know my clothing, the objects I poses, and almost every book on my shelf. I know the logic I follow to organise them on the place they live. And I strive to keep following that logic. Also, it is so engrained in me, that I do not put substantial amount of efforts when I put my things in places. The benefits - I can navigate through my room, drawers, shelves, storage, and pickup the things I need with my eyes closed. I know how they feel, so when I touch them, I communicate with them and I know if I got in contact with what I need. 

I am not so sure if I can pickup the right colour sticky notes. I have no system in organising them in colours. Nor my fine-liners. But I am grateful I got to this stage where I could say "Nah! I would rather call it organised than OCD!".

Reflections on my Movember month

Reflection notes to myself and the world

I've started last month with the idea to help others by raising money to help men, struggling with their physical and mental state. Also raised awareness by provoking conversations as I was growing a moustache and taking up the challenge of running 60km in one month.

I would like to thank Aoife Mooney, Isabelle Foisy, Ian Bruce, Karen Witcomb, Liz Stokes, Kevin Spiteri, Ivaylo Dimitrov and Lucy Labova for their generous donations. This money will go to someone in need and will bring light to the life of men! I greatly appreciate your generosity! You make part of about 50 million pounds raised all around the world!

What happened? Well, it happened a lot!

• I had some real fun growing my moustache :) The topic is controversial for many and I know there are different opinions, but I believe I have enjoyed it because I have followed the bright example of my grandfather Ivan, who proudly wore his moustache for many years until his final days. Here is a photo of him, 34 and me, 35. I have only seen him in photos but sometimes I have felt the strength of his personality. I have been told that he had been a very knowledgeable and respected person in his field of agronomy. 

• I have challenged myself in a field that I have always wanted to improve - music. I felt music as something very special but because I have never considered it as a “productive” activity that will have some financial benefits from the time I have spent in reading music theory, trying to play different instruments, listening to music, reading music, practising rhythm and so on and so forth, I have always felt guilty of having “wasted” the time doing it. This month, I have accepted the challenge from Stanislava Valkova and I will be making a cover of the song “We are the champions” by Queen. In the process, I have learnt a lot. And I still am. Thanks to The Guitar Social and Mike New, the music theory has finally started to shape in my head. And I have also acknowledged my limitations. As I have actually started enjoying the practice and as I have felt the pressure of the days rolling, I have decided to enjoy the process a bit more. I will release the cover at some point in time. I hope it will be in January. I want to give the best I can and have fun a bit more :) The good things take time!
• That said I have been able to fully acknowledge being in “the gap” (check this video), where I am below the level of my personal expectations and it feels really frustrating!
• The joy of spending time on activities that make me happy actually made me more calm and relaxed and appreciate the concept of time. It has been a process but a huge piece of the puzzle has been put this month by spending time almost every day immersed in progressing in the music field. It brought me confidence that - good things need time to develop.
• On day 23 I didn’t feel like running but I ran. I had to do it. I felt I want to try and see what can happen. My body hurt. I felt the pain in my muscles, in my joints, in my bones. I thought that I am not doing something right and I was blaming myself for making a mistake that I could not realise what that mistake was. Luckily my brother Venko, who is an avid sportsperson, has noticed my results and I have shared my feelings about a mistake I might be doing. He asked me if I have done such an intense running schedule before. That was it. Yet again another thing that pointed me to the idea that it takes time to develop a routine. I gave myself a rest and after that, it went well :) I ran for 60km(63.91km in total) in November. That’s probably the distance I have covered running in the last 10-15 years, I don’t know. But I feel great. Last night was the best. I have found joy in running during the dark part of the day. I have only the light beam of my headlamp to guide me and to follow. No other stimuli to distract me. It was like meditation - me, the light spot from my torch on the ground running away from me, and my breathing.
• For the first time in my life. I have shaved for 45 consecutive days...and counting :) It has been an interesting relationship with my face and a good habit builder. I’ll see if I am going to keep it going. Time will tell.
• In general, I have learnt that things need time and energy to develop at their own pace. This was very nicely put by Daniel Troev in one of his posts. It came at a good time in my life and I have appreciated it!

At the end, and it is still not the end, I have learnt a lot about myself. And with the challenges that I undertook last month, I've grown a tad more. I am sure I will have more and more to realise in the days and months to come.

...and may everyone knows their challenge...

The books of the year

 I have always been loading my shelves with books and felt intimidating after that. So I have decided to take the books I want to read and put them in a smaller pile rather than on the overcrowded shelf. This would be my reading list for this year. Every book has a purpose in supporting my plans for the year. For some of them, the purpose is just for pleasure with no particular outcome expected. So, here it is...bearing in mind I couldn't put the audio books on the pile.

I'll come back to this in one year.

Back to the basics

 As I was walking home tonight, I thought I would have some time to play on my electric piano. A surprising message came from my niece that she would like me to help her with some mathematical explanations. And this came after she asked me to help her with her exam on the next day. She wrote a specific time slot which pointed me to two things. First, she wanted me to solve the mathematical problems in real time. Second - I have completely forgotten that the students are now studying on-line.

I refused to do that for her. For me she had two options she could choose from. To use my support and learn something in the last moment or to learn from the decisions she has made in the past.

I was glad when she messaged me with a specific question that she needed help with. I jumped right on to helping her. It was a challenge for me as well. I had to go back to 8th grade. After a long conversation I was happy as it was a great deal of learning for both of us. Very few things were maths related. Most of it it was about principles I've learnt on my way to where I am now. And oh how this helps me connect a lot of dots as I am in a position where I need someone to teach me stuff but in the same time I teach other stuff to others. Changing my perspective from teaching to being taught helps me so much to be present and efficient in whatever state I am currently at.

At the end I think my niece will actually have chosen both - to learn a bit from me and will have inevitably be  subjected to the mistakes from her decisions from the past. I can't wait to hear feom her once the exam is over. Feedback is very important in the process of learning.

...in maths we trust...

Three types of people

 "There are three types of people in this world, Very. There are those who make the world worse, those who make no difference, and those who make the world better." "Away with the penguins" by Hazel Prior

I have always strived to be one of the latter, to make the world better. Even though I have very often questioned the meaning of the word "better" as better is a relative concept. But nevertheless, I have tried to put my own personal meaning to it.

One of those little things I have done in my life is donating. I have donated many material things in my life but one of them, I have donated eagerly. Blood. Our blood, at least in my case of a healthy human being, very easily replenishes once taken away. With the life-saving effect on others, it has an effect on me as well. Reducing the blood level in my body stimulates the production of new, fresh blood to replace what has been taken away. It feels energetic.

But last week I have donated something different. Blood plasma. To be honest I still have to research what blood plasma is. But the process of donation is different than donating blood plasma. I have actually found it very amusing and I will go and donate again, and again. The reason behind my decision to donate is that I have recently recovered from COVID-19. Shortly after I have received a message if I would like to participate in a program, which aims at helping people that have contracted the virus but their own body has a hard time fighting the virus back. As it took me only 3-4 days to recover from the severe symptoms due to the fact that I consider myself healthy, the fact that I love science, also I would like to be of those people who make the world better I have signed myself for the experience.

The process of donation of blood plasma is fascinating. For real! They have put me on a special machine where they drain a small volume of blood from me at a time, run it through a centrifuge and return the drained from plasma blood back into my system. I have observed every feeling I could get. The sound of the machine on each cycle, the draining of blood from my veins, the pressure of the slightly cold blood coming back to my veins, the unfamiliar newly experienced chill in my body as the cold is actually coming from the inside, the tingling sensation from the anticoagulant agent that is now present in my blood. After being on the chair for 45 minutes during which I have observed my body and the feelings I get in the process I felt glad that I can actually enjoy the process as it is similar to the process of blood transfusion, which in most of the cases is not provided for amusement purposes. But I had a great time and the results from the blood tests are that I have plenty of antibodies and I can keep donating every two weeks until the amount of antibodies in my blood has reduced to a limit where it will expose me to a threat of the virus.

...and may everyone know its blood type...

A simple device

This morning, as we "moved" the time, because humanity is so powerful and this is yet another act to remind us how we can control things, I have noticed once again that I have a simple device in my room. It is the opposite of smart, but it is neither stupid nor un-smart. It is just a simple radio-clock. That puts me to sleep and wakes me up with Classic FM. All the other stations blabber a lot. And the moment I noticed what time it is, with a little smile of appreciation, I realised what has happened.

This device doesn't have an internal computer, as most of the smart devices nowadays have. It does have a digital clock. That "ticks" when it is supposed to tick. Without any knowledge, if it ticks for 10:01 or for 09:01. It is there for the tick! And it is good at that. Until the mains power goes down. Then it just falls asleep.

I like the idea that I have something that doesn't track, upload, receive, record, put into a database, analyse, send reports and all other associated with the idea of being on a self-improving pattern verbs, that are on the outside of the box on almost every smart device. These verbs might be indeed handy. But a simple device is exactly that - simple. And that is what I need in my life now - simplicity.

A voice in my head

Recently I have rediscovered a voice. It is a voice that can fill a hall. It can be dark and scratchy. It can be soft and mellow. But it is always present. I can feel it resonating in my body. 

I've been a Slipknot fan for quite some time, even though not very passionate. I've been on their concert back in 2004 when I used to have a long hair and headbanging but it was the music that made me listen to them. But now I rediscovered the person behind the mask...in Slipknot's case quite literally.

Corey Taylor. There is nothing I can say that can make your experience his voice better. Just enjoy it.

Whatch it here

...and may we all know our voice...